Splendid Isolation

Pop quiz. What is my favorite animal?

Cow. Dog. Blue Whale.

All of these are accurate. The blue whale is the most correct answer, although I'm really into all sorts of whales. And I also love every animal that isn't a reptile (turtles and tortoises being a notable exception).

But I have a confession.

I am terrified of blue whales.

I have nightmares about blue whales.

They are so big.

I am small.

I dream that I go into the ocean. Once I dreamed that I was in antarctica. Sometimes it's a huge aquarium. But it's a regular occurence. I go to San Diego again and Karin and I see a blue whale. And its bigness scares me and stays with me for days.

I feel the same way about the entire ocean, actually. Sometimes I get very nervous when swimming in the ocean.

I don't like feeling small. I don't like knowing that I am a speck in the void.

I feel this way about space, and sometimes I get really tripped up because I can opt out of the ocean (easily, by living in Colorado). But I can't opt out of space. I am hurtling on this rock, incomprehensibly fast, to places unknown.

I am not in control.

I think that's the root of it.

I like to live a life where I control my schedule, I control my decor, I control myself.

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of sinkholes and stray airplanes and bridge collapses and ISIS.

I want to choose to live safely and live forever.

But my heart could stop at any moment. Or I could have cancer and fight as hard as possible, and succumb in a hospital room, jaundiced and miserable.

Best case scenario, Dan and I live until we are very old. And then we die.

I once heard "we avoid taking risks, so we can make it safely to death."

But I like to pretend that death is only a thing which happens to other people. Not me. I am making safe choices.

But I'm not in control.

Which is terrifying.