Splendid Isolation

Pop quiz. What is my favorite animal?

Cow. Dog. Blue Whale.

All of these are accurate. The blue whale is the most correct answer, although I'm really into all sorts of whales. And I also love every animal that isn't a reptile (turtles and tortoises being a notable exception).

But I have a confession.

I am terrified of blue whales.

I have nightmares about blue whales.

They are so big.

I am small.

I dream that I go into the ocean. Once I dreamed that I was in antarctica. Sometimes it's a huge aquarium. But it's a regular occurence. I go to San Diego again and Karin and I see a blue whale. And its bigness scares me and stays with me for days.

I feel the same way about the entire ocean, actually. Sometimes I get very nervous when swimming in the ocean.

I don't like feeling small. I don't like knowing that I am a speck in the void.

I feel this way about space, and sometimes I get really tripped up because I can opt out of the ocean (easily, by living in Colorado). But I can't opt out of space. I am hurtling on this rock, incomprehensibly fast, to places unknown.

I am not in control.

I think that's the root of it.

I like to live a life where I control my schedule, I control my decor, I control myself.

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of sinkholes and stray airplanes and bridge collapses and ISIS.

I want to choose to live safely and live forever.

But my heart could stop at any moment. Or I could have cancer and fight as hard as possible, and succumb in a hospital room, jaundiced and miserable.

Best case scenario, Dan and I live until we are very old. And then we die.

I once heard "we avoid taking risks, so we can make it safely to death."

But I like to pretend that death is only a thing which happens to other people. Not me. I am making safe choices.

But I'm not in control.

Which is terrifying.

Things I love about my life

I opened my computer with the intent of writing about all the things on my mind. And I turned on spotify, clicked on mood, and while trying to find a playlist for being sad and pensive, I saw a mood booster playlist. And I'm listening to one direction. And I'm feeling better. So this is a post about happy things. For me.

Dan makes me laugh so hard. He is the funniest person I have ever met. Maybe. I know a lot of funny people, and I am personally a riot. But he cracks me up. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, but I feel that way about everyone. He just sometimes puts on the weird and I find myself going from angry to hysterically wheezing. I love that guy. He is a ball of sunshine. He is emotionally supportive. He is there day in and day out with me and all my issues. Sometimes I romanticize memories of talking to other friends and how they used to be there for me. But life changes, and that's ok. I am happier being able to get burgers and laugh with Jack than staying up all night texting him. It's healthy and wonderful to have a fiancé who supports me like that, a couple of solid girl friends when I need to talk, and friends who are just chill bros.

I love music. Just before christmas I hung out with one of my favorite people on this earth and played guitar very awkwardly and poorly. But she made it seem easy and fun. And I stopped being afraid of it. I learned Zombie by the Cranberries. And then I learned more chords. And now my song book is literally running out of room. I love to play guitar. I love that I can sing these songs I love and be my own accompainiment. I love feeling and seeing myself improve at something, by myself, for me. I love making music. I love feeling like I am a musician, rather than someone who can sing. I have a really delightful laptop, and sometimes I flip it into tablet mode, put it on the music stand, and pull up the chords for whatever song is on my mind. And just play whatever. It's so wonderful. Sometimes I play for my sister, but usually I play for myself. And I'll just pick up my guitar, and play for an hour and a half, and it feels like no time at all. It's like therapy. It's like when I was in choir. Words cannot describe.


I love my friends. I am so blessed by these people. Sometime last year, I decided to make a group chat and invite a few key people out. Just a group of people I was comfortable spending time with at my worst. People I didn't have to be "On" around. And somehow that turned into a wonderful, supportive, tight-knit friend group. It's wonderful. I have many friends and it's special having people at different levels of closeness. There are so many people I would be overjoyed to run into at Costco, and there are a few people who get to know my deep stuff. That's just what it is. But I am surprised at who those special people have turned out to be. It's just really tight to have friends I can cry about art in front of, and then wow with my white girl rap skills. I used to have friends who beat each other up emotionally, and none of us do that. We intently love each other even when we feel bad. It's very very beautiful.

I love the person that I am. I love that I am friendly and funny and encouraging. I used to pick fights. I used to hurt people. I used to worm my way into the center of attention.

I love that I can make the choice to be happy. I love that I can decide I'd rather listen to Nicki Minaj and talk about the things that make me smile than listen to Sufjan Stevens and talk about the things that make me hurt.

I hope you missed my stream-of-consciousness blogging. I am happy.