7/24/2015

I am so fatigued, I don't know how to put it into words. I feel like I'm living a dishonest life. I try to deal with so many surface issues. And then they are gone. And I'm still unhappy. So i focus on the next one. But fundamentally i still struggle. Because fundamentally there is something wrong. I don't think i'm good enough. I don't like myself.

I try really hard. And i can say a lot of true things. I truly believe my body is beautiful and valuable just as it is. I also know that i am funny, that i'm a good singer, that i have a way with words, and makeup. But all of those things pale in comparison to the fears that tower over them. The fear. That I'm not good enough, and never will be. That people don't actually like me but are very polite. That people have a better time when i'm not there or talk shit or don't miss me the way that i miss them.

It permeates every relationship i have. Even with dan, lately i am asking him every few minutes if he's upset at me. Because he's sleepy or quiet or i'm just feeling sensitive. And if he were upset with me, it would shatter me.

People get upset sometimes. And people certainly get upset when they are being pestered about their state of mind. And it wouldn't mean he loves me any less. It would just be a feeling, but i can't handle it. Sometimes i get bitter because i feel like i'm always the one apologizing. In reality we always talk things through and meet in the middle. But it is true that the second he or anyone on earth is unhappy with me or in anyway related to me, I am falling over myself to apologize because i want to fix it. I am SUCH a big believer in bandaids, you guys. I have stock in the emotional bandaid business, and I'm set to make a fortune.

If I'm not apologizing, I'm trying to make people laugh. I am funny. I have a sense, I feel the energy of a room in a tangible way, and i can feel their interest wax and wane, and i feel the exact moment to strike, the exact pace at which to tell a story. I started telling a story at work once, and as soon as I started she was smiling, and I felt that timer start and I could feel that i only had 30 seconds to finish that story and have her enjoy it. And I didn't get nervous, but I had to make a conscious effort in that moment to cut and drag pieces of my story so i could tell it just right. Maybe everyone has that sense, I have no idea. I'm not trying to win the special snowflake olympics. I'm just trying to say, I am incredibly good at being funny and engaging. It is a gift of mine. And i abuse the hell out of it.

It's great being able to make people laugh and have a good time. But i use it as a mask, like, 100% of the time. Or, maybe mask is the wrong word. I use it as a crutch. If everyone is laughing, I am okay. I am valuable and I am appreciated and I am worthwhile and people like me.

If you're new at making friends, I highly reccomend being funny and engaging. It's a great way to enhance interactions and make friends with people. It's what I did, but somehow my social skills basically grew in that direction. Exclusively. And it's so great as a socially awkward teen to feel that sense that those people are on your side, that you made them laugh. It's so reassuring, it's almost addictive. And that's the problem I have now. I am a people pleaser, and I want to please the people endlessly. I don't think there's anything wrong with joking as much as I do or close to it, but I don't think I do it for the right reasons.

In between those times of laughter and feeling like everything is okay, I often wrestle with a lot of feelings internally. I'm not good enough, I shouldn't have cut that person off. I didn't mean to... Especially right after something got away from me. I got riled up about something and it stopped being funny, because I was showing too much emotion, or because I was being mean.

Some of the wrestling is not even with words but with feelings. That anxious doom cloud that sometimes hangs around no matter how much fun I'm having and makes the line between mental illness and social fear become so blurry. Some of the feelings do have words, or images. I tell a joke, or I tell a story that I thought was interesting, and I notice that maybe i have told too many stories that day because the interest is more polite than genuine, and so I think profoundly about my darkest temptations, or I just think about and feel that gloomy doom cloud for a while.

I try to listen while others are talking, and normally it comes easily. I genuinely care about what people have to say, and how they feel, and what they think. But I care so much about what they think of me that sometimes I barge in with a story or I am always responding and not giving anyone else any room. I want to share and be validated because I need external affirmation to function.

There comes a point at any party where I start to withdraw, and there are people who think this makes me an introvert, but i'm not sick of people. The thoughts in my head are getting too loud and too frequent and I'm sick of lying. I would love to engage in a real way, but I have this funny mask on and it's only fun for me for so long. But I can't stop it, so I want to leave the interaction. An introvert would crave solitude, but all I want is Dan. Because I can stop with him. And I can tell him I've been super anxious all day and I said this thing and it was so embarrassing, or I almost cried, or whatever i need to get off my chest. And he tells me I was fine and sometimes i believe him.

I don't know if i would love to sit down over a sandwich and tell a friend how i feel lonely and inadequate and want to hurt myself. But i would love for them to care, and i guess i'm afraid that they don't. And i'm afraid that i don't know how to interact that way. I can listen to people and give them pompous empty advice so i feel valuable in the interaction. But i dismiss my own emotions and to have a friend look at me with concern instead of amusement is horrifying. I want it and yet it would confirm in my mind that i am weak.

I am so willing to share about past experiences and even some current experiences, but only as long as i can share my words from on high with the wisdom of my great age and experience, to help others and tell them to be more open. Not to be vulnerable myself.